I’ll tell you something very ironic before I start; I wrote this blog a little while ago but, I’ve been worrying about posting it and what people will think of me when I do. Oh the irony and you’ll see why if you read on!
I over think everything, EVERYTHING and that’s my problem. My over active imagination goes into overdrive and I become this horrible worry wart! Attractive!
Human beings can be very complicated. We never seem to relax and just take things as they come, we are always trying to pre-empt things or worrying about things in our life. These things are more often than not, things we can’t change so why do we waste our time worrying about them? Now, I am not one to talk; I think I am perhaps the biggest worrier I know and I worry all the time. It’s a trait of mine I hope I never pass down to my children and will actively seek not to, as it drives me crazy. I worry about money, about work, about others and although these are all pretty rational worries that a lot of people share, I also have bigger worries that are completely irrational and come as part of a package when you become a part of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I like to think I’m pretty sensible, sensitive and I work incredibly (modest much?) hard in everything I do but when it comes to worrying, I am an irrational wreck. I know there will be people out there who read this blog and think it’s pathetic and I envy you, I really do. However there may be people out there feeling exactly the same as I do right now so I thought I’d share this blog in hope I can help people work on their worries like I intend to. I am going to share my most irrational worries in hope to confront and in time, work on them.
I worry about what other people think of me; this is my biggest flaw (I think anyway) and I am trying to work on it. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a good thing if we take into consideration what others think or feel but there comes a point when you have to be a bit selfish, doesn’t there? I am absolutely rubbish at making decisions and I’ve recently discovered why; it’s because I’m worried about what the other person/people will think. For example, if the girls and I are trying to decide on somewhere to eat, even if I have a preference, I will say I don’t mind. I do this because I’m worried that if I pick a certain place and they don’t like it, they will think badly of me. Now, my friends are the nicest people you will meet, they truly are so I KNOW that they would never think badly of me for that, but I worry about it and I can’t seem to help it. Sometimes, I even worry about what my family think of me, the least judgemental people in the world who couldn’t love me more. What is my problem?
I guess people will understand me caring what my friends and family think of me because, at the end of the day, I’d rather like to keep them but what I’m about to say, some people might find hard to understand; I worry about what total strangers think of me too. A few weeks ago was a very good example of this. I was driving home with the girls and some woman nearly pulled out in front of me and I stopped and I must add here, I was not annoyed at all (couldn’t be further from annoyed) as she had made a genuine mistake that anyone could make. She was very apologetic at first so I decided to let her out anyway (I had already stopped after all). However, when I stopped, flashed my lights and waved my hand to let her out, she thought I was having a go at her for pulling out (I honestly wasn’t) so she gave me a little gesture back to show her annoyance at my supposed annoyance. I absolutely HATE road rage and, if you know me, you’ll know I never get annoyed at other drivers and absolutely NEVER beep my horn. The fact that this lady thought I was annoyed at her really upset me and I felt like flashing her down so I could explain that I really wasn’t. I didn’t, but I really wanted to!
I like to be polite, I try to be polite to everyone but I normally always walk away from a conversation worrying about what I’ve said, how I’ve said it and how I came across. At all times, I try to be nice to people, which I do think is important but I also do it because I worry about not getting the acceptance off other people, surely this has to stop?
This irrational part of my personality actually makes it very difficult for me to meet people and for people to get to know me. I cherish my friends I have so much, because truth be told, I find them difficult to make and crave acceptance so much that they mean the world to me when they’re there and love me for who I am, irrational flaws and all. It will take me a good few years to completely find my feet around someone (if you know me, you’ll know this is true) and it’s not because I’m a horrible person (I hope not anyway), it’s because I worry about what people think so much, I take my time to reveal parts of my personality; crazy right? I have also just realised that this paragraph makes me sound very sad, woops! If I didn’t reveal it though, I wouldn’t be being honest and I always said my blogging would be very honest.
I also worry about being alone; I don’t mean in life (although, that would be horrible and I would hate that), I mean on a day to day basis. I’m MUCH better now than I have ever been but this time last year, I would find it very, very difficult to be on my own. I blame my crazy imagination; I hear noises, see shapes and imagine the absolute worst. Why, oh why, won’t my brain give me a break? Like I said, I am MUCH better now and partly thanks to my blog, I actually enjoy alone time but there are still moments of “what was that?”
I worry about failing or falling short amongst other people; how utterly ridiculous. The fact of the matter is, we are all different and not everyone will work at the same level or even be good at the same things and the sooner I realise this, the better. I do though; I worry about not being the best I can be. I guess that this also stems back to the idea of worrying about what people think of me and I want people to think the best of me.
It’s not just people’s opinions I worry about, I worry about things that have never or may never happen; the world scares me. This huge, daunting, unpredictable world and some of the people living in it worry me. I worry about war, terrorism and all sorts of things. All things I have never and may never experience. How ridiculous is that? I must say though, since blogging, I have restored my faith in the people in this world as I’ve had amazing support not just off friends but people who don’t even know me! I have also definitely improved since I have become older and my recent attitude of appreciating everything I have and living life to the full has really helped but I still have moments of worry and sometimes even complete panic. Panic is most apparent in my reaction to storms. A little while ago, whilst in work, there was an incredible storm that brought with it the heaviest rain I have ever seen and thunder and lightning (which I hate). Now, I had a class with me so I knew I had to remain calm for them, and I did. However, deep down, my heart was pounding and my imagination going crazy but why when on the surface I was calm, could I not control what was inside? This is how I know I could never live anywhere where they are affected by horrendous storms, I just wouldn’t cope. When I was younger, during a storm, I would go into my parents’ room with my quilt and sleep on the floor. I felt safe with them and even though it would not make the storm disappear, they were amazing at reminding me that I was safe. I would still do this now if I could. I hope this fear fades as I age so that I can do the same for my children.
I worry about others; not just what they think or what they’ll do but their health. If my mum tells me she feels a little under the weather, I immediately demand that she updates me on everything and I become a bit motherly until I know she feels better. I know what you’re thinking, how annoying! Haha! I also worry about Stevie, all the time. I mean, I know I’ve got good reason to what with his broken leg and all but, I worry about tiny things and if anything is wrong, I go into a little panic. For example, he came in the other night, covered in mud and limping, my first thought was, I hope he’s not going to die. How ridiculous is that? Why couldn’t my brain just think rationally for once? I know what you’re thinking – God help me when I have children!
So, on my journey of happiness, I think it is essential that I get this under control. I am going to purposefully make the effort to reduce my worry. I am going to worry less about what people think or what people will do and just spend my time, enjoying myself. Next time there is a storm or a scary (real life) story on the TV, I will try and take a deep breath and remind myself not to worry. I think, as human beings we worry too much about what others think which, inevitably means, we’re wasting our time on this huge, daunting but beautiful world.
So join me why don’t you and share with me your worries, I think it’s better when it’s shared.